I’ll be going back and forth from this tumblr to my new tumblr la-d.tumblr.com, refollowing all the people I want to follow.  I said I needed new so I got new.

This may go back to me saying I need to start over.  Right now, I just don’t have it in me.  I sit here doing nothing, reading nothing, and waiting for anything.  Maybe its time to stop waiting and caring.

I’m moving sluggishly this morning; taking my sweet time getting dressed and fixing my hair.  I’ve yet to put on my pants, look for my shoes.  My purse is unpacked and my nerves?  they’re shot straight to hell.  I’m not prepared for this.  Despite all the warnings, none of us are prepared for this.  I wonder if she was.  Its hard getting up and at em when you know you’re going to see a person you love for the last time.  I never thought this day would come.  It hurts.

We drove by the funeral home and there she was.  I couldn’t bring myself to look.  I never want to look but I know the times is vastly approaching.  There will be no escape.  I don’t want to cause a scene but Lord, if I could keep my eyes closed for the remainder of this day, I would.  If I could sit off in a little corner with my back turned and my ears covered, I’d be so appreciative.

I don’t want to cry.

I don’t want to miss her either.

They said they want it to be a celebration but I can’t fathom that when I know I’ll never see her again.

She’s gone and everyone’s talking about making preparations for when they go too.  I know life isn’t forever but damn if I don’t miss the days when I didn’t understand that people didn’t live for an eternity.  When, as small as the world is, I didn’t realize it’s size.

I miss being naive, if only for that.  Life is too hard of a pill to swallow.

So I think I will.  I don’t know about anyone else but when I start to feel boxed in, I have to change or I’ll go insane.  It might bother or annoy other people but if I live for what other people want and need, I’ll miss out on being happy.  There has to be a moment where the line is drawn and what’s best for me is put at the top of the list.

Hate and dislike are NOT the same thing.